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"Marriage is not a give and take relationship."
During our premarital counseling sessions, I remember our pastor saying these words to me and Jake as I looked at him in confusion. Of course marriage is a give-take relationship, right? That's what the movies and tv shows say. That's what people say. And so many articles I had read about how to have an awesome marriage said so too! Type the phrase "give and take relationship" into Google and here's the first definition that appears: "'Give and Take' is a mechanism inherent to all personal relationships- you cannot expect to receive something if you don't offer on your own turn. Once the balance between give and take is broken, difficulties arise and partners feel they are not getting much from their relationship." Give and take. Meeting in the middle. A 50/50 relationship. Phrases that we've been told are key to a successful marriage. But, as I learned from our wise pastor, marriage is not a give-take relationship. It is a give-give relationship. We both, as husband and wife, give the marriage our all despite what we receive (or don't receive) in return. We don't give 50% and meet the other person in the middle. We give 100% and give it our all even when marriage is hard. We vow to love one another for better or worse, for richer or poorer, and in sickness and in health. It is easy to give when we know we will receive in return, but to love one another even when one of us is acting unloveable? That is humbling and hard. That is selfless, truly unconditional love. And wow, on those days and in those moments when we are being selfish and unloveable, I am especially thankful for a husband who loves me regardless and points me back to the truth of Scripture our pastor read at our wedding: "...Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross..." Philippians 2:3-8 I don't want a give-take marriage. I want a marriage that reflects how Christ loves the church: a selfless, humble, truly unconditional love. We will never perfect this and it will take years of learning and practice, but I pray that over time our marriage will continue to become more of a reflection of Christ's perfect love for His church. I want to love, bless, encourage, and affirm Jake not because I want him to give me the same in return (although he certainly does!), but because of the incredible love I have experienced from Jesus and the relationship I have with Him. (Oh! And if you're reading this now and feel confused because you haven't experienced this relationship with God (and maybe you're curious about what that means), click here to send me a message and I'd love to share more!) When I first picked up Angela Mills' book, Bless Your Husband, I was immediately impressed by and thankful for her courage. In an individualistic society where singleness is idolized, Biblical femininity is frowned upon, and 50% of marriages (including Christian marriages) end in divorce, it takes immense courage and confidence in God's Word to release a book about ways for a wife to love, encourage, and bless her husband.
Bless Your Husband is a book full of practical and creative ideas to love your husband. It is divided into a six week "challenge" that helps the reader focus on manageable ways to bless her husband each day while also centering her heart on the Lord. Every day of the challenge consists of a time of prayer, meditating on the Word, dwelling on something we enjoy about our husband, a short devotional, and a reflection question. The content for each day could easily be done in 15 minutes, or stretched much longer depending on the time the reader has to devote to reading. I am so thankful that Angela takes time to teach about and explain the heart behind loving our husbands well. She begins the book helping the reader to analyze their motives for reading: "...this challenge is about changing your heart, not changing your husband." It can be so easy to pick up a book like this with the motives of wanting to change our spouse, make other people think we're an awesome wife, get something in return, or make our spouse feel guilty. These motives only lead us to feeling frustrated and ultimately reveal the selfishness and bitterness we often harbor in our hearts. Instead, Angela encourages the reader to read her book with positive motivations instead such as desiring to bring joy to our husband's day, growing in humility and selflessness, and blessing another person because we love the Lord and realize how immensely He has blessed us through Christ. The layout of this book makes it incredibly fun and easy to read! Each day's read is concise and includes Scripture alongside the creative activities. I felt challenged by her wisdom and self-reflection questions, yet encouraged by her daily ideas to apply what I was learning. My rating? 5/5
I plan on re-reading this book during the first six weeks of 2019! I loved the practical and heart challenges Angela presented, and this book has encouraged me to love Jake well. It is such a manageable, easy-to-read book, and would be a great read to start off the New Year investing intentionally in your marriage! *I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for my honest, unbiased review! |
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